My Defects

I have been careless and unaware of the consequences of my behavior.

For example:

  • At the age of 7 or 8, I hit my next door neighbor with a souvenir baseball bat while practicing a swing and left before I saw him get back up.

The fact that his name was only one letter away from the name Elison, and the fact that I was having trouble with database technology suggested to me that I might be having ongoing problems as a result of that incident, 'cause his father's name was Larry.

Here's what happened next:
(Social Network Confrontation)

Obsessively focused on web development, and somewhat oblivious to the threats I live with, someone showed up on a Social Network with my name, a major league baseball bat wrapped with nylon cord, and a 'Night of the Living Dead' background photo looking like he was ready to do business.

I realized that, even though I had a Harley, he had a dune buggy and a reputation for winning races all over the Country, so I recalled the centipedes in our basement at the time when I hit my neighbor, and the fact that I have no idea where the bat went, and tried to reassure myself of the fact that the threat can't exist anymore because clearly, the centipedes, or relatives of the centipedes that we lived with in the Islands (rain forest jungle centipedes) would eat the meat right of a bat.

When I returned to find that his sidekick was now foaming at the mouth while driving, and that "Paul" was welding in the back, I knew things could get ugly fast, so I turned to my Alma Mater to get help with interface design, and a researcher at the University who taught us how to operate computers by use of intention.

I also moved to a new location and now living with a clean mouth by removing the caries on my teeth, I can return to more careful composition and editing.

  • Rather than seeking to amend my mistake, I obsessed on my Man from Uncle Briefcase, with built in Pea shooter, and tried to talk my mother into letting me get a Bowie Knife.
  • The girl next door neighbor tried to talk me into relying on God, but I was more interested in finding a four leaf clover.
  • When my mother found a new home for us, rather than being grateful for the new start, I focused my attention on how I would be able to best the new man in her life.
  • I couldn't compete with the little guy because he was so strong, so I blamed our culture for belittling him, instead of admitting the fact that I couldn't do anything about it.

And, though I've always believed in being good and doing right, I was not prepared to deal with evil or vengeance until I encountered it in my own life, and by then, I needed help.

For example:

  • As I drove to help my daughter, another person was destroyed in order to silence me, and prevent me from my opportunity.
  • When I worked with others who were also seeking justice and they died, I did not realize that they may have become victims because they were seeking justice too.
  • And, while following instructions may not have worked for me when I was a child, as I grew up and continued to follow instructions, I realized that at a minimum, I am learning my lessons from childhood.

Perhaps it was my innocence that failed me. I had no intention to hurt my best friend, and do not relate to evil intentions or understand them, but because his family name, like mine, has connotations that could lead to assumptions about character, perhaps they took it personally. Most of us work very hard to live problems like that down, and it wouldn't surprise me if they had troubles like I do.

What I Failed to Do:

  • Because I despaired, I failed to do what I needed to do. Because I failed to do what I needed to do, I did not make use of my talents.
  • Though it is clear that I've been forgiven in many ways, I am not always able to forgive behavior I don't understand.
  • I am not always capable of taking the blame for others.
  • I have not always respected the privacy and/or confidence of others, and though they may kill to silence us, I've persisted in my efforts to report crime because we must (please see: Hate Crime Scene).
  • I have been unable to prevent much of the harm that continues to myself and others.
  • Failing to notice what bothers others, I may fail to address the most important problems in my life (please see: Transpositions).
  • Not doing my work well, I may fail those that govern, and those I seek to protect and defend.
  • I have not always given back what has been freely given to me.
  • I cannot always put the wants and needs of others before my own needs or the necessities of life and my work.
  • I cannot always prioritize my business because of the disruption and interference to my life.
  • I cannot always prioritize the care of my body, mind, or properties while meeting the demands of my business.

What I Should Have Done Instead:

  • Walk the talk, and make the most of every moment.
  • Learn to respect the boundaries of others, and mind my own business.
  • Consider what might have been, rather than what went wrong.
  • Make amends to those I've harmed, regardless of their conduct with me.
  • Take the time to challenge my own thoughts and beliefs.
  • Respect the power of nature, the authority of those who govern, and the teachers and healers I've been lucky enough to know.
  • Take good care of myself to meet my obligations, and give back to those who survive me.
  • Do right, and build character, rather than focusing on feeling good.
  • Learn from mistakes, and share the way out, not just the problem.

Defects of Character Continued
(The Exact Nature of my Wrongs)

  • While I believe in accountability, I know now that there is no way to work the 12-Steps without Anonymity.
  • I've been naive and realize that though its been required of me, I underestimated the hazards of being open and honest (please see: Historical Treatments).
  • Following instructions, or taking advice does not excuse me from being harmful. I need to know the difference between right and wrong by cultivating my relationship with God, and continuing to evaluate my behavior.
  • While I've been to be open and honest about the causes and conditions of my drinking, I may have harmed members of my family by doing so.
  • Though I've been taught to work a program, I realize that some of the teachings of the program conflict with the code of conduct I was taught to begin with: The Ten Commandments
  • Though I've learned to cope with the consequences of my mistakes, I've objected to complaints made in my home and workspace (please see: Log).
  • When offended by behavior I do not understand, I may act out of anger without regard for others.
  • Because I believed I was a victim, I thought I had a right to inflict harm, or to cause damage to those who harmed me.
  • Disturbed by the sex conduct of my family of origin, I evaluated the capacity of others to rival me, or do harm to my relationships (please see: Self Examination).
  • Shocked by lewd behavior, I sought assistance from those who I thought might better understand and correct what offended.
  • Dismayed by allegations of insanity when confronting professionals with behavior I found offensive, I recreating the problem to illustrate and re-examine what I must've missed.
  • Disrupted and interfered with while exercising my right to free trade, I abandoned the health care system, the church, and a large part of the recovery community to establish alternatives (please see: plans.html).